Loving Them is Deadly
by MonaRider
Summary: "If you don't tell me something I will deny your parole." The bitch stares at me over her yellow pad of paper. "You wouldn't understand..." "Try me!" she said. Insane Bella Entry!


**Insane Bella Entry**

Title: Loving Them is Deadly

Summary: "If you don't tell me something I will deny your parole." The bitch stares at me over her yellow pad of paper. "You wouldn't understand..." "Try me!" she said.

* * *

A/N: _My beautiful ginger is back to help me again... *squees* and my Angie baby (I stalk her around FB) I claimed her and she is MINE. *Growls* Both of these girls are priceless in my eyes... I have been fangirling over a certain someone (Nyddi) and all I had to do was whine on FB... and guess what, yep she's been reading my shit. They all deal with my crazy and I am borderline what Bella is... *shifty* kiddin... or am I? Dun... dun... dunnnnnn._

* * *

**.**

**..**

**...**

**On a couch in a office of some nutty prison...**

**...**

**..**

**.**

"And how do you feel about that?" She, the damn therapist asks again, for what has to be the hundredth time in my stay here.

"I'm fine." I answer, looking out the window.

"Isabella, please. I am here to help you." Again she tries to persuade me to answer her questions, but I never do in the detail she wishes for.

I ignore her pleas as I watch a blue bird flying by the window.

"If you don't tell me something I will deny your parole." The bitch stares at me over her yellow pad.

"You wouldn't understand," I snap back.

"Try me." she said.  
**.****  
****..****  
****...****  
****Five years ago… ****  
****…****  
****..****  
****.**  
I paced outside the High school waiting on my siblings Alec and Jane. The bell had rung over ten minutes ago and I had no patience, or want, to search them out. I fiddled with the small sharp metal in my pocket, hissing as it sliced into the soft pads of my fingers. I needed the pain; it grounded me. I needed to be here and not off in another land where, I really wished to be.

"Finally," I all but yell as they came out, both with identical frowns. My tone changed immediately. "What happened?"

"Nothing…" Alec uttered and Jane trailed him up with, "It's nothing, can we go?"

I snatched them by the front of their shirts and watched the small droplets of blood seep onto their shirts as I sighed and raised my eyes to theirs.

"What happened?" I said it slower this time and they knew to answer.

"It's really nothing." Jane piped up finally after a long silent moment. I stared as the blood seeped from my fingers to their clothes to keep me here.

"Dammit, Jane, shut up!" Alec snapped, pulling free from my hand and stomping away.

"Tyler kissed Alec in front of everyone after class." She said sweetly, as she popped a sucker into her mouth and frowned at the blood on her shirt, then inspected my hands.

"And?" I asked, because I knew this wasn't it.

"And, Mr. Banner expelled Tyler and called Daddy about Alec." Jane kissed my fingertips and skipped after her twin. They held hands in front of me as I followed absently behind them.

_They called father._

_Shit._

_No._

_Why?_

I tried to draw out the need to be here for them, but I could see him creeping into my peripheral and he was beckoning me to play with him. I couldn't. No. Don't go.  
**.****  
****..****  
****...****  
****Don't go...****  
****…****  
****..****  
****.**  
"_Bella, don't go."_

"_Oh, Bella, please don't go." Edward whisper__ed, __begging in my ear and kissing my jaw softly as he ran his nose over my neck._

_Never…_

"_We need you."_

"_No, I need you, Bella." Edward pull__ed_ _the zipper of my sweater down and palm__ed __my breasts in his large hands._  
_**.**_**  
**_**..**_**  
**_**...**_**  
****"****Bella!"****  
****…****  
****..****  
****.**  
Jane's scream for me instantly penetrated my mind enough to pull me from my delusion, and back into the real world.

"Jane!" I screamed, sitting up and looking around.

"We have to kill them, you see. Kill them."

"Dad?" I said softly, as I ran quietly up the stairs not to alarm him of my approach.

My eyes widened at seeing Jane's blue, chattering lips as she huddled in the corner watching our father, Aro, holding Alec under the bathtub. I had to act quickly or he may have killed him. This was my baby brother, my little defenseless brother who hadn't lived yet.

"Dad," I said again trying to make him look at me, but he ignored me. He held Alec down in the water until his thrashing started to still.

_No… no… no!_

"Dad!" I said forcefully.

It did the trick. He let Alec up and stared at me wide eyed. I kept my eyes on my father as he waddled on his knees to me. I listened to the gulping breaths my brother took. It brought a smile to my face.

_I wasn't too late. I wasn't too late_.

My father's hands ran up my hips and pulled up my shirt as he pinched, tugged, and pulled at my skin checking me for bugs. He then yanked my long hair for me to kneel while he checked my hair. I tried not to make any sounds as I listened to Jane helping Alec out of the tub.

_I was almost too late, how could I let this happen?_

I felt every scratch of my father's fingers on my scalp as he sectioned my hair, bit by bit, checking and rechecking.

"Have to find them all... all of them, I will," he muttered angrily, yanking me side to side. I knew I would be in the tub next to take my punishment for letting this happen.

I was taken off guard as my body slammed into the frozen water, breaking up the ice cubes my father had poured into it. My skin pebbled over and I cried, gulping down a lung full of water. He hauled me up out of the water and looked into my eyes, rubbing my armpits before he dunked me again. I sputtered out as much as I could before I was plunged into the marble again.  
**.**  
**..**  
**...**  
**Only this time...**

**..**  
**.**  
"_Stay with me, please," Edward sa__id __softly, as he sp__un_ _me like a ballerina in a white room full of daisies. _

_Too sweet...too much. _

_I choked on the sweet smell, I could tell it was masking the smell of bleach and cleaners from the real world, but I let him guide me to the bed that materialised out of nowhere. _

"_Let me make you feel good, okay?" he asks, as he lay me out onto the perfectly white bed. He ran his fingers through my long brown hair, twisting and pulling. _

"_Easy..." I whisper__ed,_ _and gasp__ed_ _as his hand c__a__me back bright red from blood._

_My blood. _

_Oh god no, am I dying?_

"_Come back to me..." his voice was but a whisper along my spine as I am shoved back into real life more violently than ever before._  
_**.**_  
_**..**_  
_**...**_  
**My eyes flutter open...**

**..**  
**.**  
I looked around the dark, damp room and wished, I could be back with him. I curled in on myself and listened to the silent murmurs of my brother and sister from the other cot-sized bed.

"You okay?" I asked, nodding my head to them.

"Yep," Alec said, stoically.

Jane added cheerfully, "Right as rain on a summer day."

"Hungry?" I asked softly through the haze of pain that pierced the back of my skull.  
**.****  
****..****  
****...**  
"_Bella?" Edward's voice lingered over my shoulder. When I looked he wasn't there, so I raised my eyes to my siblings slowly with a smile to reassure them. _  
**…****  
**_**..**_**  
**_**.**_  
Jane skipped softly down the stairs, careful not to hit the spots that creak, as Alec pulled my arm around his lanky form. I understood the need for a hug, even a half assed one at that, right now. I gave it to him. I think I needed it too.

Aro was sound asleep on the couch when we walked in, and I couldn't have asked for a better place for him to pass out after one of his most manic episodes. I glared at his form while I made dinner for everyone. I hoped to have had time to make more than a few hamburgers and fries for the kids, but that's all I made.

I chopped up some steak that had been defrosting in the fridge, making sure to scoop up all the blood and dribble it over the raw meat. I fought the urge deep within to take a piece and suck the blood. _This is for Uncle Marcus..._I had to remind myself over and over. I only hoped Uncle Marcus would be happy with this meal until I could find what he wanted most...girls.

After padlocking my brother and sister in our room-for their safety-for the night, I tiptoed past Aro's sleeping form, taking the plate of meat downstairs hoping beyond hope I could get back to my room before he awoke. I had made it to the bottom step before hearing the first signs of movement from my father.

"Belly?" My father said sweetly from the couch. "Bwelly, bwelly quite no fella," he began singing some off tune song, adapting my name as he saw fit. My skin rolled as the hairs on the back of my neck stood up at the thought of him coming near me when he was like this, changed...

The voices of Aro got closer as I fought back the scream that bubbled in the back of my throat, but I stayed calm, breathed slowly, and tried to not give away where I was hiding.

"Girl get out here!"

The stern voice of my father made me tip toe backward into the shadows of the basement as Uncle Marcus crept closer and closer to me. He was slow at first, but rushed to my side, making me drop the bowl of meat, causing it to clatter loudly on the floor.

"Fwerood?" he asked, his distorted voice whispered. He licked along the hem of my sleeve to get my attention.

I turned to look into his glassy eyes as he backed away disgusted. He crouched down and chewed the meat, slurped and clanked the bowl back to the floor.

"Movrrrrre?" he asked, dribbling the precious blood from his mouth. Again, I fought my inner self from licking the blood from my uncle's chin. It was tempting as it slowly slid from the corners of his mouth. He stared through me as if I wasn't there, or, maybe because I wasn't really what he wanted.

He tried to communicate with me, but his words were jumbled and unintelligible noises. He sniffed my shirt trying to find what he wanted, but knowing from my scent I am not what he thought might have been down here. I patted his slick soft head, trying to calm him so he didn't start throwing a fit over me being here, and not his playthings.

"Did she go down there?" My father's distorted voice asked, closer now to the door. I shivered, but Uncle Marcus must have sensed my fear. He threw his bed across the room, making noises as if in a fit of rage.

"By all means Ari go down there." Aro sneers cheerfully and I can hear him outside the door, the thip-thump of his shoes, as he skipped away.

"Don't fucking call me that," he growled, and a loud thud reminded me of the time he tackled himself to the ground began punching himself or the floor over and over.

I slid down the wall in hope to get some peace, but my mind was rolling. Soon, I would have to go up for air, because Uncle Marcus will only be considerate for so long. Until he attacked me for the hunger he needed sated, but for now, with his head in my lap, and mine thumping into the stone wall, I am at peace-or soon will be...

"Fucking pieces of shits," my father, yelled from the kitchen above. "They're listening… they're listening… stealing pieces of you. Shhh… shhh…"  
**.**  
**..**  
**...**  
**Please... please... **

**..**  
**.**  
"_Bella?" Edward's frantic voice pulled like a leashed dog, him and his arms encircled me in a tight embrace, and he attacked my neck with his teeth marking me as his. _

"_Please..." I begged loudly as he pawed the dirty shirt from my body-quickly-so I wouldn't be separated from him again._ _I tried to make quick work of his shirt, but the buttons were too complicated. When I finally got one, he swatted at my hands._

"_Shhh... let me make it good." he beg__ged __softly into my ear, nibbling roughly on my lobe and drawing his teeth down the side of my neck to the top of my breast. ah... fuck. His tongue snake__d_ _out and lick__ed_ _through the sheer material of my bra and pebbled my nipples to tight peaks. _

_Painfully erect... _  
**.**  
**..**  
**...**  
**He was slipping away... away... gone!**

**..**  
**.**

I stood in the middle of the basement with the swinging white light illuminating the room. My arm was not my own and it flicked forward snapping into a childlike girls back as she hung from chains.

"Please... please." She cried out loudly.

"Pwesssssseee." Uncle Marcus begged and I granted him this wish by snapping her again.

My head turned to the side and I saw myself looking back at me in a mirror strategically placed against the wall. The light illuminated my face and it is sadistic. I willed my hand to drop the belt but my head shook on its own.

"No... no. Tsk tsk. Let's play." My voice filled the room and Uncle Marcus laughed maniacally as I dropped the belt to the floor.  
**.**  
**..**  
**...**  
"_Bella?" Edward voice fill__ed_ _my head. I turn__ed __around and I saw the door open to join him as he undressed infront of me. _

_**..**_  
_**.**_  
My neck rolled and I screamed, "No!" but it isn't me who screamed and the door to my Edward slammed closed.

"You will see..." She, no I said to myself. "...Shhh Momma needs to concentrate."

_Momma? _

I gasped, looking down at the hair, the back and the shoes.

"_Jane, no!" _

"Yes, Janey-poo has been a bad bad girl. Haven't you?"

"I'm so sorry, please." she sobbed loudly leaning forward against the chains her feet barely grazing the floor. "Bella I'm sorry."

"_Oh jane..."_

"Jane what are you being punished for?" I asked her and my voice is sounding more and more like my own.

She giggled loudly, "I stole Aro's pills and if Alec would have kept his big mouth shut we could be living it big with the Cullens after he killed you."

"What else Jane?" I demanded loudly, making Uncle Marcus back away from me as I stomped to look into her eyes. They were wild and how I hadn't seen it before dumbfounded me greatly. She was on the verge of a manic episodes and just as it bubbled up she started fighting the chains wildly kicking and hitting.

"I fucking hate you. Hate them. Hate everyone. Why can't you all die and leave me the fuck alone. Fuck you, fuck you Bella!" She spit in my face and laughed loudly swaying back and forth from the manacles.

"Back atcha baby." She, no I said my voice back in control as I pat Uncle Marcus's head and pushed him forward. Listening to her screams, being trapped within my own body was killing me. I wanted to protect her and save her from this pain. I knew it was the only way, but I just couldn't see the logic myself was trying to show me as being perfectly acceptable behavior. Especially for being fucking insane.

"Now it's dear ol'daddy's turn..." She... I laughed walking up the stairs to the sound of gurgling and growls from Uncle. "Good bye, Marcus darling." She said to him before locking the basement closed.

The pounding of the door upstairs was apparent of Alec's fists against the wood, and she didn't seem fazed by it, only approved of his appropriate emotion. _The only one normal... except for being a faggot. _She thought at me rather loudly making a point, I just didn't catch at that point.  
**.**  
**..**  
**...**  
**Back on that couch staring out the window...**

**..**  
**.**  
The therapist is silent, in my five years of being her patient, I never seen her slacked jawed as she is now. She stared at me in a mix of emotions I couldn't read just from her posture or facial expressions. She shifts uncomfortably from my stare so I stare out the window wondering where my alter was now that the pills had suppressed her to submission.

I envisioned her on some beach killing the natives and bathing in their blood for the fun of it. I giggle loudly and the therapist gives me that look that clearly says, "share with the class" but I shake my head and point out the window. A woodpecker is hammering away at the trunk of the tree. She smiles and buys my excuse as part of my attention span waning.

"So why do you think she did this for you?"

"I think she went about what she did to my family wrongly but in the end… Loving them is deadly and she choose to save the most precious of them all… Alec." I smile thinking about my scrawny little brother who once cried because a girl kissed him.

"Have you been allowed to speak with him since he went to live with the foster parents?"  
She asks, pushing back into her seat and her leg bounces showing her anxiousness.

"Yes, he was accepted to Harvard."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Happy, excited and even a little envious, but he deserves it."

"Why do you say that?"

"Jane was holding him back or whispering in his ear most of the time leading him in the wrong direction. I believe she was his alter in every sense of the word. She was born on the outside of him not buried within like mine."

"Is that how you really feel?" she asks and I shrug.

My eyes fill with tears and I think about the pictures Mr. Cullen, the foster dad sent to me of my baby brother walking across the stage diploma in hand, with a smile to rival any others.

"My alter was evil but she did the right things for the wrong reasons. I think we could have decided a better plan of action but I just didn't have control like I do now."

"If I allow you to leave will you stay on your medication and work to make up for the crimes she committed?"

"Yes."  
**.****  
****..****  
****…****  
****Two weeks later…****  
****…****  
****..****  
****.**  
I smile taking in my surroundings, I am free. Taking deep lungs full of breaths as I hitch my bag higher onto my shoulder staring up at deep blue sky.

"Bella?"

I lower my eyes slowly to see my Edward leaned up against a black camaro... shit. I close my eyes tight and open them only he doesn't disappear. _Go away! Go away! _I chant over and over.

"Bella?"

I turn around and see my therapist standing on the steps to the entrance of the nut house and hope I'm not hallucinating because she'll haul me back inside to a straight jacket with my name embroidered on it. I rub my face with my hand and open my eyes to look into the swirling olive eyes that are directly infront of me.

"You ready to go home?" he asks taking the bag from my shoulder while staring down at me.

I took my pills this AM... but maybe they messed up on my doseage.

"Is there something wrong with her?" He asks someone in the car as he tosses my bag in waiting for me to follow.

"What the fuck do you think? Dude, she was just released from the nut house." the voice explained making my brows furrow and anger to build inside of me.

I was about to turn away and walk back inside knowing I was more welcome here than where ever these people were taking me. The passenger door opens as my Edward slides into the driver's seat with one last glance up at me he slams the door closed.

"Goddamn Bell, what they been feeding you in crazy land?"

My brows furrow as I glance back at the darkened window from where my Edward escaped to and my eyes run along the sleek lines of the car to where my not so little brother stands. Instantly want to pound him for being an ass, but damn it's my brother. I run and tackle him, plastering my body against his and squeezing my arms tightly around him. I notice just how much my little brother has grown into a man. My eyes water at this realization and I can't hold back the damned emotional water works.

"You okay?" he asks into my ear as my shoulders shake from all the building emotions.

"Can you see him?" I sob into his chest feeling very vulnerable and extremely crazy.

"Who? Anthony?" He asks pushing my shoulders back to look into my eyes and making me feel even worse for the way he looks concerned all of a sudden. "Bella don't you remember him?"

I shake my head scratching my thighs with my fingernails trying to get some sense of here, and though the slight pain from my nails is immediate it doesn't make any of this go away, so I listen as Alec explains how we know him.

"God Bella, how do I even explain this one...The Cullen's were our neighbors for well over six years if not longer. Anthony and you did everything together...God thats all either of you talked about."

I kept staring at him as he talked, but none of this was registering at all.

"It was before, um before Mom left..." so eight or so years ago "...or whatever it is that happened to her. Before Uncle Marcus came to live with us, and well before Aro stopped taking his medication."

I nod because I can remember this faintly. I remember looking through her eyes, because I could recall her judgment even then was to kill them all. I shake away the thoughts of this and remember that my alter is on a beach somewhere sun bathing with blood trails from all the satisfying killing she is been doing.

"I remember the day they left...Taking your best friend away, your Edward as you called him. You just weren't yourself anymore. Before Mom's disappearance I remember her telling us you were just a little blue and you'd bounce back. Only when you did... you never stayed happy."

I nod, and nod more. Over and over. More and more. I don't remember getting into the car or them driving me home. I do remember thinking this isn't home. Our shutters were white, the house was red and our home never had this many windows.

..

"Why isn't she talking?" Edward... no Anthony's voice wonders, but when I look up he isn't anywhere to be seen, neither is Alec when he replies, "She needs time."

..

"Don't bother your sister she is just a little blue and she'll bounce back real soon." My mother's voice says from the doorway of my childhood bedroom.

..

Esme Cullen is a sweet lady, she gives me clothes, food and helps me shower when I can't do it myself. I wish my pills did not suppress her sometimes cause now that I don't have her people stare at me. She was my shield to wear and keep me safe. I only had myself now and I was lonely. After a week, days or maybe just hours later I contemplate not taking my pills. I could do it.

..

I stare out the window, rocking in the chair and listening to it groan as I kick myself off the floor.

"Bella?" Esme asks, for fear of her not being there, I don't look up. I was missing too much time now. I missed my padded room. Life was simpler there. She crouches down beside me and I smile like I am supposed to when I finally see she is there.

"Carmen is here to adjust your medication."

I nod slowly and watch my prim and proper therapist waltz into my room and stand in front of the window.

"Talk to me Miss Volturi."

"What's there to say?"

_I just realized my Mommie dearest left me to deal with my crazy father, deformed uncle and I had a imaginary friend come to life, oh the joys of real life. _

"So, the blocks she put into place have come open?" she asks knowingly.

_I have blocks?_

"You knew?" I spat, standing from my chair and almost stumbling at how weak I feel.

"She told me what she kept you from and who she gave you in return to keep you occupied. So yes I knew."

"You talked to her?" I ask longingly, I missed her and until now, now that I was free, I hadn't thought about it.

"Many times in the beginning. I've written books about her and you. The mind is very complicated. Especially yours." She steps forward and I have to tilt my head back to look into her eyes. "Take care of yourself and quit taking the placebos."

With that she leaves me... _Placebos? _  
_**.**_  
_**..**_  
_**...**_  
**Much... Much... Later... (smells like citrus)**

**..**  
**.**

I never saw Carmen again but I did read her books, _They loved her too much _and _How she survived it all. _I was glad she changed my name and told my story to the world, but sometimes I hate that I had to share my alter with anyone.

She protected me... and she was a part of me.

"Bella?" Ed-Anthony asks leaning against his car waiting on me to get in.

"What?" I snap playfully as his gaze looks me up and down. I wanted to be pretty for him but something deep down inside of me told me to wear this... Black leather mini skirt with a frilly blood red top that my breasts pretty much spilled over the top and combat boots.

Kicking the door to the garage closed with my heel I walk with purpose to my Edward, I mean my Anthony, spinning on the spot just in front of him and grinding back into him. Swivelling my hips back and side to side.

"What are you doing to me?" he asks shakily.

"Wouldn't you like to know." I spin around and climb up his long lean body, moulding myself to him, rolling my hips as I hit that hard metal that is straining to keep him contained.

"I really would." he whispers into my neck as his hands take on a path of no return. I arch back from him with my hand around his neck.

Hand to cunt, fingers digging into my clit and I am wild. Wild with a need, a need that has to be sated by him alone.

"Please... please." I beg loudly.

My voice echoes off the empty garage.

My fingers claw into his shoulders as I ride his fingers. Knees anchored to his hips as I rise and fall over and over. I really want him, all of him, but I will fuck his fingers then suck him clean. Sweat collects at the small of my back and runs between my cheeks as I continue on my search for my orgasm.

If I could say anything about my Anthony, it's that he is willing to spend hours just to get me off. Precision care with nimble fingers curling inside of me. It's sensitive at first, but my mouth hangs open as I roll my hips and push his fingertips into the spot deep within that makes my body shutter and spasm out of control.

Animalistic noises spill out of my mouth, as I throw my head around and clamp down around his fingers. I don't even notice that we fell onto the Camaro until I come down from my star gazing orgasm.

I slither down his body and lick my tongue flat against the wet spot I left on his jeans. Arching my ass into the air, rubbing my slick thighs together while shivering. When they rub against my sensitive engorged clit, I groan making quick work of his belt and slowly pull the zipper down teasing him.

"Don't tease..." He begs and damn if I don't go slower 'cause I can't get enough of his begging "...please."

I lick the swollen head peaking out of his jeans while pulling the tines down and shoving my hand inside to rub his balls in my hand. I love to fondle his smooth sac as I give him pleasure with my mouth. With little help from him to free the monster known as his cock I suck him into my mouth, swirling my tongue and pulling it down my throat. he makes small silent noises of agreement for me to continue.

Setting a slow pace before speeding up and alternating between sucking and teasing. His hands loosely grab my ears guiding me, but before long he is pulling me more forcefully. I have him writhing, unhindered, as I make him cum down my throat. I suck greedily at every last drop of him and release him with a deafening pop.

I pout at his now cleaned and tucked away member, it's a very sad moment, to watch. Much to my chagrin he ushers me to the car and buckles me in. I scowl at him for being such a babysitter but the smirk he gives me makes me want him again.

I want more...always want more.

It's all just a part of me, I'm nothing without my vices; OCD, dissociative personality and a compulsive addictive need.

"Good bye Forks..." I say, with my fingers twisted with my Edward's as we pass the city limits sign.


End file.
